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| Ah another day at work... I kind of take it for granted but it's pretty radical that I get to work with people all over the United States. Early this morning I spoke with a guy in New York, then a woman in Denver then an hour later to a customer in Florida. Awesome.. So Labor Day just got a whole new meaning in my "adult career". WHAT IS THIS? A DAY OFF? AM I GETTING FIRED? OH ITS NORMAL TO GET LABOR DAY OFF? ... first time in my life a non-important holiday got me anything. I started writing alot of new As Bound With Them music last night on Michelles computer and I just want to write another cd. (btw Simmons you suck.) I'll definitely miss writing music with you man, but I'm glad to see you leave the biz at a point where you really feel a.) God wants you to and b.) you're happy with where you're life is directing you to. Only good things will come from direct obedience to the Holy Spirit, so I respect your decision with no hesitation. I think we've put our time in regardless... Triad was almost 10 years ago, and it's so funny to look back to the musical transitions we made over the years.... Triad -- Falling Forward -- When Eyes Fail Us --Red December --As Bound With Them. You'll always remain one of my best-friends and I hope someday again we'll make music together. Tailgating tomorrow with Michelles family. They are seriously one of the coolest families I've spent time with (not counting my family or the Beyers). My neck hurts from looking at a computer screen. | | |
| I don't know why spurred me to write in this. It's been a very long time, and I don't quite remember how I used to write in this everyday and still felt that I had something to say that people wanted to hear. This year has been interesting... I started a new office job, I've moved twice, kicked out and acquired both a drummer and bass player in ABWT, met the girl of my dreams, and yet I still feel like much hasn't happened or changed this year. I feel like I'm floating in a giant ocean (it's a cliche analogy but bear with me...) You know when you're young, how things seem alot more important, and big. This week I'm flying down to Florida with my Mom, and really haven't thought about it at all... If I was 9.... going to Disney World would be the only thing on my mind for months in advance. When you start life everything is exciting, everything is new and everything has meaning or a reason behind it. Now that I'm in day 8,113 days into my life (literally I just did the math on how many days I've been living on this earth.), doesn't it all seems a little monotonous? I'm not near the shore anymore. Not that everything has to be lame from the time you get old enough to be in a routine until you die... but I think the rising and falling of the waves in the middle of the ocean does put us into a lull. It puts me into a lull... I love my life. Don't get me wrong... but I don't want to miss it. The last time I did a REALLY deep evaluation of my life was in November 08 when Sam died. I wrote a song sharing exactly how I felt. It's pretty sweet that it got put onto the new ABWT record, because I know everytime I hear that song it shakes my boat and makes me wake up just a little bit. It reminds me that life IS full of suprises, ups and downs, job promotions, new life and even death. I like being introspective even though it just really makes you realize all the flaws and mistakes you have. However, it's nice to know that I worship a God who, although notices them, chooses not to see them. | | |
| So a month and 6 days since I found out about my brother dying. I still feel inadiquate to try and write my emotion about the situation out in word form. The best way I've found to let out how I feel is just to cry. Not to feel bad for myself, but to just allow my emotion to get out of my head some way or another. It keeps me from feeling like I want to climb a clock-tower with a gun ... (kidding, Im being dramatic... ) I don't question that God is in control ... I don't question that He's real... I don't question that He's still good, ( but I find myself feeling skeptical at times) its just so... messed up. I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach anytime I think about it. It took me 3 weeks before I didn't feel like I'd been run over by a truck every morning when I'd wake up. I dread people still to this day coming up to me at work, at the mall or at church and being like "yea sorry to hear about your brother..." I appreciate the concern but no thanks. It is enough that you have to see it on the news, read it in the paper and hear it on the radio. I don't need it brought up 10 times a day from people that have had no involvement in my life until they hear of some sort of "tragedy" they think they can make me feel somehow better about. It doesn't work that way. I know alot of people can relate to the situation of dealing with hardships, but this is different from anything else I've had to deal with. Even with my brother Matt being diagnosed with brain-cancer at least you know you can still call him. When somone dies unexpected the first thing you do is self-evaluate. "Did I talk to them recently?" "What was the last conversation we had?" "Did I tell them I loved them?" All these routine things that you take for granted. I know I can still call Matt and tell him I love him.... but I can't do that for Sam. And I know the last time I saw him our last words were.. "Hey what's you're new phone number? Oh ok.. cool.. well call you on Friday and we'll go grab a drink downtown." Not the best way to end things. Not the worst. I guess we were on good terms and thats a plus ... and I guess I just miss him. Knowing you can't see someone is on weird feeling. Knowing they are your big brother makes it even weirder. The word that sticks in my head is "forever" ... nothing in this life is going to change when it comes to my brother being alive. Its pretty messed up to think about, but ... he's dead. It really hit me when I went to his grave last week. You try and talk to them, but you just feel stupid because you're talking to a rock with his name on it. And then you cry... but you can't even figure out how to stop or what to feel. I guess this may make no sense to some people, but to some it will. This is the first time I've written about this, but I don't know how much better it really makes me feel. | | |
| So yea... I havn't written on this in nearly a year, but thats ok. It doesn't really matter if people read it or not, but sometimes writing in itself is more therapy and comfort to the person writing the words. Yep. So my brother Matt at the age of 15 was diagnosed with Epilepsy. It's a chronic neurological disorder that causes your body to go into sizures every so often due to extra neuro-activity in the brain. Anyway. He was diagnosed when he was 15 and started taking medication for it. When he was 21 doctors did a brian scan and found out he had a brain tumor about the size of a golf ball. He had a successful brain surgery that year and they thought he would be basically cured of the sizures and such. Anyway, the sizures started again about a year ago when I was living with them in Washington D.C., and so they switched him to a different medication. To make a long story short, he was diagnosed about a month ago with another brain tumor. He had another surgery but this time they weren't able to remove the entire thing. Friday morning I got a call from my mom telling me that the tumor will be turning into cancer and will ultimately kill him. My sister-in-law Helen wrote this about the situation.- "I told Matt about my conversation with the nurse on Monday night after the kids were in bed. I didn’t want them to see tears and give them too much to carry. As is typical of Matt, he is handling this in an incredible way. We see this as from the Lord’s hand and trust that our Father only has good things in store for His children. Not that this is easy, there is a fight to believe truth and camp there instead of letting our minds wander to what ifs. God promises grace for today, not for our fears for the future. Whatever that holds, He will give us grace at that time. He is so good and our souls are at peace." It hurts me enough to know my brother doesn't have alot of time to live... but reading that gave me incredible joy and peace that we can claim God as the center and holder of our lives and not be carried into the wind with terrifying thoughts of life and death. Not to down-play how major the gift of life is, but to put on the stage the grace and love God gives us every day. Thank you God. | | |
| ah. i just worked a 16 hr day... what a good way to spend a saturday huh? 6am-2:30pm at Beaners 3:30-10:30pm at Hollister. I don't know if I can do this for very long. Especially since school starts in 4 days.
Ethan... i hope to visit or be visited soon.
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